For the first time today, i am disgust by myself. Im looking at the mirror today and i feel worse. I felt like oh i hate myself more when looking at my face. This is the face that people leave. It is because of me not them. Not because how is my look but because of me. Im in dark. I felt useless. I felt like not worth at all. The first thing that pop up in my head is, i love people that i should be loved. But people does not give back the love that i give. People does not grow fond on me. They dont care if i leave. Yes, worthless. In fact i dont achieve anything in my life. Acheive something that i want not because what people want from me. I become someone wants to be perfect because people only wants a perfect version of me. If not, they will leave. I don't fight anymore cause i know im gonna lose. So i keep quiet. Didnt show my real feelings cause i don't want to hurt people. But inside of me, im in pieces. I didnt know what i want now. I just feel like i dont deserve to live. My life is completely meaningless.
I will tell a secret. This is my promise to myself 4 years back then. Im gonna to kill myself when my birthday comes. Its going to be the forth birthday since that promise. This year i dont know if i can hold it anymore. I have mental breakdown every single day. My heart aches. My body does not function well. I cant eat properly. I cant communicate with people well. I oversleep. I cant keep calm when there's something wrong in my daily life. My eyes always hurt cause i always crying. My chest feels tight and heavy. Im sick. I need help. But its just feel so wrong to keep asking help. Im the wrong one. Im the one who are not embrace the world. And im not happy. Can i give up now?
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