2019

I am typing this w pain in chest. Started to hv insomnia when i was 17. Got into an abusive r/ship. Toxic "friendship" which makes me involved in stg big smpai my parent didnt trust me anymore and hard for me nk keluar unless w my close friends. 2018 is the worst year, for a couple of months i didnt talk w anyone dlm rumah sbb rasa bersalah. These are only a part of the reasons i stop doin things yg aku suka. I didnt fucking do anything dkt uni. Study fr exam to get good marks to make my parent puas hati. And once ive said, rasa nk bg je dekan aku kat org lain. Mcm tak bersyukur, but --. Org ckp byk lg manusia yg ada masalah lg besar, more pressure. Tu life diorg, not mine. I hate positive vibes, motivation kononnya, "you can go through this", ni ujian, its just a normal student stress. But how can my 6 years sadness didnt even heal for a sec? When a small thing happen, the 6 years things that hurt me, hit me all at once at the same time. Mcm kau tak move forward. Stay with the same nightmare and having nervous breakdown sbb triggered with stg.

My friends tahu i hate being at home. Cuti sem? Everyday is like im battling the demon inside me. Because i hv no one to talk w. Sem lepas was one of the toughest semester cause had to deal w psychotic lect. Mental lemah. Too afraid kene repeat. When cuti start, again nervous breakdown sbb tak tahu nk ckp dgn siapa. And what make it worse im taking rest frm social media. And reply ws if "ada" yg ws. I do hv friends, tp rasa mcm tak ada. I want to be productive but i hv no energy to do so. Thanks fr those who ws me to ask me goin out. I want to hang out but not wanting to socialize. This 2 months i only hang out with my cousin once. Kdg rasa nk bg tahu, tp rasa heavy rasa numb cause it will never be okay. Wah for a sec i hope i can say i am sincerely happy fr my life. I do only hv 2 moods. Insomnia/hypersomnia. Even i sleep for hours but bila bgun rasa uncomfortable. Sigh when i woke up. Crying every single night. Sometimes i didnt even sleep on bed but on floor. Sbb? Tak tahu. All this things bukan happen in present je. But already frm 5/6 years ago.

Some people are way weaker than they seem. The 1st time i hv suicidal thoughts lepas spm. But masa tu i didnt know what it is. Its not like sekali je, but regularly. Menung and suddenly kau rasa nk gantung diri. At night kau fikir what if esok kau tak bernafas dah. Kau tak fikir family kau dh. Kau just fikir when this will end. Mcm sakit tp kau tak boleh nk explain sbb nnti org ckp "takpe ni sementara je". I saw a vid bout a japan guy telling his friend that he wanted to kill himself. Tp sbb dia byk kali sgt ckp but still alive, his friend only think that eventually he will be okay. After few months he didnt check on that guy, he only hear that he already dead. Fr assuming that he was okay but actually he was not okay.  I am that kind of cpt distacted, so dkt collage i rarely showing im sad. Everyone ckp, "takpe kau boleh buat, kau pandai" but i hope somene will said "if kau gagal pon its okay aku tolong kau". Lets overcome it together. The more expectations, the more pressure, the more unhappy life gets. Always check on yr friends. But fr now, im okay.